“so ,you come here often?”…”what makes you think I loose my near and dear ones often””oh!that is not what I meant ,I m sorry ,all I wanted to say …oh!forget it ,I too lost my son recently ,so excuse me ….and I ‘m sorry again”
This was my first conversation with her and coincidently it too was the first Friday of the month .I don’t know her name, I call her the lady in black cause whenever I saw her she’d be in black, some special reason I guess! I couldn’t talk more to her on this topic that too in a cemetery where I was present to lessen my guilt which I guess has never subdued.Every Friday whenever I go to Joey’ s place to offer flowers I would find fresh gardenia already there. I never understood it cause to Joey it was only me ,’AMANDA AND JOEY,THE PERFECT COUPLE’, as called by our friends .
Today an entire month passed away since he left me all alone in this very world .Every Friday when I go to visit him I find those gardenias and that lady in black who comes to visit her son….I guess. It was yesterday when on the same old white bench I found her sitting but this time a little anxious ,a little hysteric …a little not herself .”Are you fine ?” ,I asked …”Yeah completely !” “No, you don’t seem to ..you might share ,perhaps you might feel better ,if you feel like …..I ain’t forcing”
“last month ….” she paused ,looked to her sides folded her hands and started babbling.I call it babbling cause it seemed it wasn’t me who she was talking to.”yes ,last month ,what ?””I could have saved him (annoyed at herself) …he was this close …but I didn’t, how shall I live ,oh !Jesus …oh ! father …what have I done ”
“who oooo…wait a second I understand nothing…you come here for your son right.It’s okay you can share ,it will help.Joey.,my boyfriend whom I come to meet here ,would say ‘everything on earth could be solved by talking ‘ I never paid attention to whatever he said but today I so miss him ,I wish I could hear his voice once ,I wish!” . she looked uncomfortable ,strangers usually become so when they find someone terribly weeping in front of them .The same happened to her .She continued ,” It was the first Friday of last month,I was drunk …it Was a party ,my nephew’s graduation party ….I was so happy ,but I could barely open my eyes .Everyone insisted me to stay ..stay at home but I wanted to leave and eventually left ,despite I knew I couldn’t drive .You know how late January’s are ..fog clad ,low visibility and fatal .I had crossed the Moor and I was only 5 blocks away from home when my phone beeped ,I couldn’t open my eyes as I was very tired and drunk, I bent a little low to pick up my phone and in the very next moment I became a murderer.
I wouldn’t have become one had I not panicked and had not wasted those crucial thirty minutes,agitating to myself ,crying, weeping rather than helping him make to the hospital.A beautiful young lad lost his life because of me .I took him to the hospital but just to confirm my heinous crime ,my karma .He was dead till then .He couldn’t be saved “..her voice shook ., “when enquired he was found to have no family ,what a fate .I too have no children ..when I saw his body and gazed at my hands I felt like hanging myself .It felt that I had killed my own son ,what a fate !” and she started crying loud. “But …why are you so anxious today ? you couldn’t help,sometime somethings are just out of your reach .Joey too died of an accident ,I couldn’t save him..and this still kills me inside but I know that he is happy up there .”
She whispered ,” today the cops assured that my case will be closed and they even told that the kid whom I had killed was soon getting married .oh ! what a disaster I destroyed a family even before it started .oh! what I did ….” and she left whispering to herself. I could see the guilt in her eyes ,may lord forgive her .I miss Joey a lot , we both loved each other a lot ….God might forgive his murderer but I will never .He was my everything and soon we were to take vows before all mighty to live together till the eternity but our dreams remained dreams .Every Friday I see her and those fresh gardenias near his epitaph , I still wonder where they come from and pray to Lord that may her sins be forgiven and ask to punish the guilty for whom I lost my love ……